I know that last time I promised to share with you some pics of cop car derby but there are more pressing issues. The results of the latest whiskey tasting! (If you didn't see that post then never mind because I just accidentally deleted it.)
Our second whiskey tasting included some good whiskey, some
bad ones, and even a couple that required a tie breaker for first place. Most listings have their proof and price per
liter followed by shit that I made up and their rating out of 10 points. Before I get a bunch of crap about spelling,
keep in mind that some distilleries spell whiskey with an “e” and some don’t.
Yahara Bay
Lightning – White Whiskey. 110
proof. $26.65/L.
Yahara Bay Distillers is a distillery right here in Madison
presumably named after the Yahara River which feeds and drains the famous city
lakes. The naming is kind of odd since
the distillery is about a mile from the nearest body of water and the Madison
shit treatment plant is actually closer than the Yahara River is. Anyway, whiskey is traditionally aged in oak
barrels. According to the book Craft Whiskey Distilling, this is where
“the whiskey acquires its color, complexity, and richness of flavor.” Yahara Bay Lightning is a perfect example of
why you should barrel age whiskey.
Lightning is unaged, essentially moonshine and it was unanimously the
worst of everything we tasted.
Average score: 1.5
Feckin – Blended Irish Whiskey. 80 proof.
$19.99/L.
The Feckin website says that Feckin whiskey is distilled by
the Cooley Distillery which is the only independent Irish-owned whiskey
distillery in Ireland. So much for that;
according to a press release by Beam Inc. out of Deerfield, Illinois, it purchased
the Cooley Distillery in January of this year.
Take that you potato eatin’ bastards!
Average score: 3.7
Willett – Straight
Rye Whiskey. 110 proof. $53.32/L.
This whiskey is an enigma wrapped in bull shit. The bottle is labeled as coming from The
Willett Distillery, but with a little bit of research, I found out that there
is no such company as The Willett Distillery.
The Willett brand is actually owned by Kentucky Bourbon Distillers which
uses fake company names on its product labels.
Also, Kentucky Bourbon Distillers is technically not a distillery; all they
do is bottle whiskey. On top of all of
that, Willett is distilled in Indiana, not Kentucky. Jesus Christ, I don’t even
know if this is really whiskey.
Average score: 4.5
High West Double
Rye – Straight Rye Whiskey. 92
proof. $38.99/L.
This was my favorite whiskey until I went and put it up
against everything else in the tasting.
I still think it should be one of the most popular things in Utah since
that religion that was read out of a hat but alas, it ended up low in the
ratings.
Average score: 5.0
Bruichladdich
– Single Malt Scotch Whisky. 92 proof. $66.12/L.
Bruichladdich Distillery was built in 1881 in the Western
Isles of Scotland. Today the distillery
is largely the same, most of the original machinery is still in use, and no
computers are used in production. So
this is what you’d get if the Amish made whisky? Something that tastes like dirt?
Average score: 5.5
Glenmorangie
– Single Malt Scotch Whisky. 86 proof. $39.99/L.
Two Scotches ranked one after the other with the same score,
interesting considering how different they are.
Bruichladdich as I mentioned, tastes a bit like dirt. This is because many Scotch whiskies have
peat flavor. Because peat is an abundant
energy source in Scotland, it is often used to dry the malt used for the whisky
mash. The smokiness of the malt carries
through to the whisky. You end up with
something that tastes like rubbing alcohol that has been strained through a
sock that your mom wore while running through a swamp while she was on fire. Glenmorangie is not quite that peaty.
Average score: 5.5
Jameson – Blended
Irish Whiskey. 80 proof. $27.42/L.
John Jameson was a Scottish lawyer who married some Haig and
then used her family connections to enter the distilling business and become
the richest guy in Ireland. No really,
her name was Margaret Haig. The Local, a
pub in Minneapolis, has the distinction of selling more Jameson than any other
bar in the world. That makes me wonder
what the Irish know that we don’t. Why
isn’t there a bar in Ireland that sells more Jameson? Maybe there’s a bar in Ireland that sells
more Summit beer than anywhere else in the world?
Average score: 5.8
Crown Royal -
Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $25.71/L.
Call me old fashioned but I think it’s strange for a company
like Crown Royal to advertise in motor sports, like when they sponsored Matt
Kenseth for turning left a bunch of times.
I think it’s strange because supposedly drinking and driving don’t
mix. It’s like McDonald’s sponsoring
Weight Watchers. It’s like Purina
sponsoring horse racing. It’s like
Palestine sponsoring your Bar Mitzvah. It’s
like a coat hanger company sponsoring a fertility clinic.
Average score: 6.5
Bulleit Bourbon
– Straight Bourbon Whiskey. 90 proof. $30.65/L
Fans of the HBO show Deadwood
might recognize this bottle. Apparently
they thought that it represented the appearance of an old-fashioned frontier
whiskey. Augustus Bulleit started schlepping
this stuff in the 1840s but the original recipe was almost lost to the ages
when he mysteriously disappeared in 1860 while transporting barrels of his
whiskey outside of New Orleans . Oddly
enough, the same thing almost happened to me while I was stowing whiskey in my
belly in New Orleans.
Average score: 6.5
Rich and Rare
– Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof.
For the cheapest whisky in the tasting, this guy ended up
scoring pretty high on the list. And no,
it wasn’t because we had already had 15 other shots of whiskey by that
point. Or maybe it was…the website Proof66.com
lists the rating just above “Not Recommended.”
Add that to the list of mediocre crap coming out of Canada like Jim
Carrey, Keanu Reeves, and Pamela Anderson.
Hey I’m not knocking Canadians as a whole; who among us wouldn’t go for
an Alex Trebek/Peter North mustache ride/sausage fest?
Average score: 6.8
Jim Beam Rye
– Straight Rye Whiskey. 80 proof. $21.99/L.
Jim Beam is famous for their bourbons so why try their rye
in this tasting? Because I had a big
1.75 liter bottle on my shelf. Besides,
this is actually the top selling rye whiskey in America. Rye isn’t just for making shitty tasting
bread and feeding poor people in Russia anymore.
Average score: 7.0
Yahara Bay
– American Whiskey. 80 proof. $43.99/L.
Remember that white whiskey on the top of the post that
scored just over common household bleach?
Well this is what you get if you throw it in a charred oak barrel for a
few years. You go from pissing blood and
shitting rubbing alcohol to ranking in the top four. Not bad for the first (legal) whiskey made in
Wisconsin since prohibition. By the way,
if you’re ever in the area, you can stop by the distillery to take a tour and
see their small art gallery. They
feature artwork by old school actors Tony Curtis. Anthony Quinn, and Red
Skelton. It is some of the most awful
painting that I’ve ever seen. I’m
talking your kid’s refrigerator art bad. The one below is only $25,000.
Average score: 7.3
Maker’s Mark
– Straight Bourbon Whisky. 90 proof. $27.25/L.
Supposedly Bill Samuels developed seven different recipes
for his new bourbon. Since he didn’t
have time to distill and age each one, he instead made a loaf of bread from
each recipe and used the one that was best tasting for his mash bill. Too bad one of those loaves wasn’t banana
bread. Can you imagine how amazing banana
whiskey would be? I’d give my left nut
(the bad one) for a shot of that. Here’s
some more trivia: Maker’s Mark is one of
the only distillers in America that spells whisky without the “e” and they have
a trademark on the wax seal of their bottles.
This is the same wax seal that makes you feel like a prissy douche bag
for drinking it.
Average score: 7.5
The Knot –
Irish Whisky Liqueur. 100 proof.
The Knot bottle is distinguished by its iconic Celtic knot. Historians suspect that the early Celts may
have used the designs as a form of symbolism.
Recent studies of the design have suggested that it roughly translates
to “It’ll get you drunk, bitches!” Another
interesting fact about this whisky is that it might not technically be a
whisky. Indeed, the word “whisky” isn’t
anywhere on the bottle. Some might argue
that this is technically a liqueur, albeit one that is stronger than most
whiskies.
Average score: 8.2
Canadian Club
– Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $11.99/L.
Coming in at number one for the second tasting in a row (even
with the same score) is Hiram Walker’s famous whisky. Hiram, despite having a lame name, was a hard-core
dude and he pretty much ended up building an entire town with the success of his
distillery. Hiram oversaw the
development and general day-to-day operations of the town. He even once closed the church because the
preacher decided to preach the evils of alcohol. Then he ripped off all of his clothes and
sacrificed a goat in front of the church.
He made a whisky bong out of the entrails of the goat and downed an
entire bottle of CC in front of frightened on lookers. Then he took the first born child from each
family in town and sold them into child slavery or put them to work running his
stills. As a final show of power, he
fought a moose to the death in a bare-knuckle boxing match that lasted three
days. At the end of the match he
sodomized the moose just for spite and then downed another bottle of
whisky. After that no one ever heard
from the preacher and no one every fucked with Hiram again.
Average score: 9.0