As some of you may know, the metal world took a hit a couple of weeks ago when Wayne Static passed away in his sleep at his home in the California desert. Wayne wasn't quite 49 years old and everyone has been shocked by his passing, especially knowing that heavy metal front men have a reputation for taking excellent care of themselves. Although autopsy results are still pending, it has been widely speculated that Wayne died of an overdose of being entirely too awesome. He was the founder and lead singer of the band Static-X. Although arguably lesser known, I'd put them in the same league as some of their cohorts like Sevendust, Korn, Slipknot, Mudvayne, and Sixpence None the Richer. I still have fond memories of their debut album, Wisconsin Death Trip, which eventually went platinum and often served as background music in my dorm-because the soothing tones of industrial metal have the kind of calming effect conducive to efficient studying habits. I had the pleasure of seeing them live multiple times and I can tell you that they put on a hell of a show in a time when it still meant something to be spit on by your favorite lead singer. Now Wayne is gone and I'm at the age where it is way too creepy for me to go in a mosh pit with a bunch of teenagers, at least I'll have my memories of the old days.
As an homage to Wayne, I decided to style my hair in the iconic fashion that he had when Static-X first became popular-a straight up hairdo like Marge Simpson just got electrocuted along with a ridiculously long braided goatee. Of course the hair on my head wasn't long enough; so I had my undercarriage styled instead. That is why this post is a couple of weeks late. I had to gather up enough pubes so that I could daisy-chain them together to make a scrotum braid that Wayne would have been proud of. For the the rest of November I'll be referring to my genitals as "Pighammer" in reference to Wayne's only solo album. Take that "Movember."Here's a bit of random trivia for you. Before Static-X, Wayne played in a band called Deep Blue Dream with Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins fame. I tried finding some of their old tunes but I wasn't able to. I bet it would be a hell of a sound-like something that would simultaneously make you want to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and punch a baby at the same time.
Here's one more. Wayne was married to Tera Wray in 2008. She is a former adult film star known
for her work in the alternative porn scene. Her Wikipedia page says, I shit you not, that, "...she probably became the first person to perform a hardcore sex act on film while their partner received a tattoo." This is surprising to me not only because this is apparently a thing, but also because this sentence insinuates by saying that she is the first, that there have been others since. That's pretty metal.
Well call me a nostalgic romantic but I'd like to think that wherever Wayne is right now, he's looking down on Tera and bangin' groupie angels while getting a tattoo.
