Think Before You Send: Part I

Some might say that I have a drinking problem, such as the State of Wisconsin, my first three wives, the Children's Museum, and that guy that I hit with my truck last night. But let me tell you, I damn near shit-a-brick when I found out that I could fill up my hip flask with a turkey baster! It was like an epiphany-as though I had just discovered masturbation with foodstuffs. No longer do I have to try to pour a Manhattan out of a shaker through a tiny funnel into a hole no wider than a common shrew's penis is long (fifth of an inch). And possibly the best part, there's a hint of gravy in whatever you put in the flask.








But as always, I digress. That has nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about in today's post. I was just excited to pass on the news that turkey basters aren't just for Thanksgiving and getting lesbians pregnant anymore. No, instead I wanted to talk about something horrible plaguing our nation, neigh, the world. People that send ridiculous forwards. Now I'm not talking about cool things like OMG Cat, Courage Wolf, or Two Girls One Cup. I'm talking about flat-out lies.Case in point, here is the text that I got in a forward last week, typos intact:

This is what life was like before man sinned...and this is what HEAVEN holds one day soon! The Bible says that the " Lion shall lay down with the Lamb' (The Bible don't lie)

The Law Of The Wild says kill only when you are hungry
Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazin pictures on safari in Kenya 's Masai Mara in Ocotober last yea said he was astounded by what he saw:

"...These three brothers (cheetahs) have been living together sin they left their mother at about 18 monts old, "he said. "On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together. At one point they met a group of impala who ran away, but one youngster w not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily."

These extraordinary scenes followed.

and then they just walked away without hurting him... Life is short... What is our stay really about here on earth...?

There you have it. Nature showing us the error of our ways. We all can get along! Makes me feel warm and tingly. What is our stay really about here on Earth? Apparently its about wasting peoples' time and spreading ignorance.

My first issue, the first line about the Bible and heaven. Really? Is this, "what life was like before man sinned...and...what HEAVEN holds one day soon!" What does that even mean? That is kind of depressing to think that perfectly scientifically explainable animal behavior is what heaven holds for us. Besides, cute animal pictures can't be used to support a religion any more than dead babies can be used to refute it.

The second issue I have is that this forward isn't very believable. That should be your litmus test if you're going to send an email to a bunch of people. Check it out on Snopes.com if you have to; don't just pass on crap without checking it out.

I say it's not believable because cats are dicks. I have two of them and if they aren't crapping in their shit boxes, they're sleeping, trying to steal food, or trying to kill each other. If you knew a person like that, you'd call them a dick or at least a hobo. The two of them would shiv each other for a single piece of dry cat food. They've never had bacon but I'm pretty sure if they did and they had prehensile digits, somehow they would find a way to kill my wife and I in our sleep and put a plan in action that would not stop short of destroying the world until they get more bacon. Which is why I find it hard to believe that three wild cheetahs would chase down an impala and then just let it go.

So I did some research. In all of five minutes of intensive Googling, I found the website of Christine and Michel Denis-Huot, the French photographers who took the pictures. Turns out the true story has a much less Saturday-morning-cartoon ending. Those cats mauled the shit out of that impala like O.J. on Nicole. If you want the grisly picture of Bambi getting gang-raped, you can see it here.

Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Mac don't lie.

More to come...