The economy is in the crapper and the rest of the world hates us so why the hell are people risking their lives to illegally live here? For that matter, the rest of the world that hates us seems to want to be just like us. WTF?
What makes us so different than other countries? The wife and I just got back from a trip to Scotland so I thought that I would do a highly scientific study comparing the two countries. So here goes:
Shitters: In the pre 1950s, the American toilet used more than seven gallons of water per flush. By 1980, it was 3.5 gallons and now new toilets use 1.6 gallons or less by law. Yet after all of this porcelain regulation, its not often that I have any difficulty dropping off the kids at the pool and taking care of it with one flush. Sure every once in a while there's a few "dookie mavericks" that like to stick around but generally the job gets done. Now the Scottish loo on the other hand, is like crapping into a funnel. At first its just like making a deposit at your normal bank but then getting rid of it is like trying to push a cat through a straw. I could see such wimpy toilets in France, but Scotland? Scotland is the home of haggis and one of the highest morbidity rates in the world, how can they get rid of their dung with such worthless toilets? We may never know.
Advantage: USA
Paper Towels and Air Dryers: Thats two topics in a row involving the bathroom, must be some sort of fecal fixation. Just about every public bathroom that I used in Scotland had air dryers as apposed to paper towels. Putting aside the argument as to which saves more energy, air dryers are a GD pain in the ass. I don't care who you are, you likely have better things to do than stand for two minutes drying your hands in the breeze. Not to mention, how many germs are spread by people that see an air dryer and say "fuck that" and don't wash their hands at all? In the US there are still a few places you can grab a paper towel and scour off the crotch coutees from your hands.
Advantage: USA
Coffee: Now mind you, I am certainly not a coffee connoisseur, and the only reason I drink it is because I got hooked on it in college. Call it my only vice along with alcohol, amphetamines, hookers, and pornography. I'm the guy that drinks the last of the really old pot thats been sitting for four hours just to make a new one for those that have been holding out. But I know shitty coffee when I taste it. I went out west (Wyoming, Washington, Idaho, Oregon) and the coffee was awesome but other than that, the states seem to be hit or miss with their coffee. Sometimes it seems like the coffee has been strained through three feminine pads and tastes like mildy dirty water. Scotland, now their coffee is more like pureed coffee beens with a spritz of water. Heaven for someone who likes their coffee to burn a hole through their stomach.
Advantage: Scotland.
Scenery: The US has some pretty kick ass scenery, some of which I probably haven't even seen yet, but holy Christ on a cracker you gotta see Scotland. Its like an orgasm for the eyes. Granted Scotland is less than half the size of Wisconsin but mile for square mile Scotland is amazing. You can drive from the medievil cities in the lowlands, to what looks like a rain forest in the midlands, to the picturesque hills and rivers of the highlands, to the cliffs and waterfalls of the coast all in one day. Not to mention, there's friggen sheep everywhere! How cool is that?
Advantage: Scotland
Food: Now the British Isles are generally not known for their cuisine, and for good reason. It pretty much sucks. There are horror stories about haggis which is kind of like a sheep sausage including oatmeal, heart, liver, and lungs stuffed into a sheep's stomach. However, I can tell you that haggis is friggen delicious. Its like a sweet meatloaf. Everything else in Scotland was nothing to write home about. Even their bacon is different than ours, more like a really salty cut of ham. And you do not fuck with bacon!
Advantage: USA
So there it is, the highly scientific study has come to a close. USA! USA! USA! While Scotland is amazing and the US has its own messed up quirks; you just can't be unAmerican.
2 comments:
I would have to disagree with the hand dryer paper towel scoring. Scots are convinced that hand dryers are the most effective way to dry hands, and for this reason I think they have put much R & D into the hand drying machines. My best hand drying experience was at the Waverly Railway station in Edinburgh. At first when I saw the Dyson Air Blade I thought it was a gimic, but as I put my hands into the slots a rush of Air enveloped my hands and I understood the design approach.
All public facilities that are interested in hand dryers should consider the Air Blade. http://www.dysonairblade.com/homepage.asp
I'm not sure what this "Air Blade" is that you speak of. I think you may have been putting your hands into the slots of a shoe polisher or feminine pad dispenser.
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