Drunken Thoughts

From the whiskey tasting post you might surmise that I am somewhat of a drinker. This past weekend a few friends and I decided that after watching a roller derby we should head out to State Street and beat down our livers as if they were red-headed step children. Before going any further I have to clarify two things: One, this was my first roller derby and I am not ashamed to say that I am hooked. Its like a chick fight on wheels, its as American as Jerry Springer and trailer parks. I highly recommend that you take in a derby, information on the Madison league can be found here: http://www.madrollindolls.com/. Two, if you're not familiar with Madison, State Street is like Madison's answer to Europe's Ireland. There are a dozen or two bars within walking distance of each other with pizza, gyro, and sub shops sprinkled in between so that one can have some substance when one vomits.

Anyway, I've always thought that there were two good ways to get thinking done. The number one way is to take a healthy dump. Now I'm not talking about some rabbit turd smattering of dooky that sounds like marbles falling into water. I'm talking about a healthy cargo drop where you might even finish a few pages of a good book between the time brown Elvis's head makes his first appearance and then finally exits the building. If your legs don't fall asleep while you're sitting on the toilet, it does not count as a good thinking shit. Many is the time that great ideas came to me on a toilet, such as the initial drafts of the Child Leash Law and bacon scented candles.

The second good way to think is to drink. The world will never be more clear to you than when you are drunk. Unfortunately, the more clear things are to you, the more the people around you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. One should not seek enlightenment so much that one ends up in the Valhalla of the thinking man, which some call detox. I am no stranger to the "liquid thinking serum" and bare the scars of my endeavors. Who among you readers has not woken up naked in an alley missing one or several key organs? So this experience has taught me that I should write my thoughts down when I'm drunk, which I did this weekend. Below are a few of the conversation items that we had. I removed most references to "penis" although it did take up a majority of my drunken notes. Apparently I think that "penis" is very hilarious or profound when I've been drinking.

Is it poor taste when a homeless person asks you, "Do you have a dollar?" to reply "Yes, thank you for your concern."

Do you think Jesus had a sense of humor? Like when he rose from the dead, do you think he would have walked around screaming for brains and then when people were cowering at his feet he would say "Just kidding-not a zombie, I'm the son of God."

There is a sandwich shop down town called "Silver Mine Subs." My friend pondered the question, could you get your money back if you complain that their subs don't taste like a miner?

If you get stopped while riding your bike after you've been drinking, would the cop think it was funny if you said, "Thank god you're here officer. I can not find the end of the bike-a-thon!"

And the final profound thought, or really an observation, of the night was about bathroom attendants. Those are the people that hang out in bathrooms and hand you towels and sell you toiletries and gum and what not. I wouldn't say that I am someone who gets out much so the first time I heard about one of these guys I wanted to check him out. It turns out the line for the bathroom was really long so I figured, hey, this guy must be selling some pretty amazing gum. Anyway, by the time I got into the bathroom I was kind of inebriated because I had finished a bucket of Long Island Ice Tea while standing in line. I guess I kind of pissed the guy off because I kept waving my hands in front of his face trying to get a new towel to come out. He should just be happy I didn't keep hitting him in the face trying to get him to blow on my hands harder.

The Whiskey Tasting

My wife and I recently hosted a whiskey tasting. Fortunately for us, we have a lot of floor space. After over a dozen shots of hard liquor none of us judges felt like doing a whole lot of moving around. Anyway here are the results with a brief description of each whiskey. Scoring is based on a ten point scale with ten being the highest.

Jameson - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $31.32/L.
Jameson Irish Whiskey is somewhat of a misnomer; the company was founded by a Scotsman in the mid 1700's. Jameson is distilled in the city of Cork, not to be confused with the nearby city of Bunghole Cover. Although this top shelf blend was the second most expensive whiskey tested, it got the lowest rating. Average score: 3.2.

Windsor Canadian - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $11.49/L.
Ah yes Windsor. For some reason I got it into my head when I was in college that Windsor was the cheapest whiskey I could get, so I drank it for like two years. Then I found out that Windsor is like a middle shelf whiskey and my eyes were opened to the world of Old Crow. My liver has never been the same since. I could get like two 1.75's for the price of one liter of Windsor. I think the misconception in price may have been due to the crooked roommate that would buy me liquor at a 200% mark up, so I guess that the more expensive booze I got the more he made. Sometimes when I didn't have enough money he would make me do things... Average score: 3.3.

Jim Beam - Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. 80 proof.
The number one selling alcohol product in the world. That must mean it’s good...or not. Jim Beam's mash meets the requirements for being called "bourbon" in that it is over 51% corn. This must be why I shit after drinking Jim Beam like after I eat corn on the cob. Average score: 3.4.

Bushmills - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $28.65/L.
Bushmills is the oldest licensed whiskey distillery in the world. Every bottle is still capped by the gums of the elder Bushmill women. During prohibition, Bushmill's director, Wilson Boyd, predicted that the outlaw of alcohol would not last and had stores of whiskey ready for export. While that chance taken paid off, the stock piling of over 4000 cases of canned meat turned out to be a bust. Boyd said that it was stored in preparation for the inevitable genocidal invasion of Great Britain by the Dutch. Average score: 4.2.

Old Crow - Kentucky bourbon whiskey. 80 proof. $9.14/L.
This could be that alley juice that I warned you about. Old Crow is known for being the first whiskey produced by the sour mash process, which is the way that all bourbons are made today. It was named after Dr. James Crow, the Scottish chemist that invented the sour mash process. As we all know, "If it’s not Scottish, its crap!" Average score: 4.6.

Canadian Hunter - Blended Canadian Sipping Whisky. 80 proof. $7.99/L.
How can you not love a whiskey with the name "Canadian Hunter?" It just makes me want to get sloppy, pee myself drunk and go fight wild animals with my bare hands. I've been drinking this stuff since I was breast feeding. Actually it was while I was breast feeding, mom had a problem. Average score: 5.6.

Crown Royal - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $33.32/L.
Long known as the choice whisky of pretentious frat boys who have their parent's money to buy booze with. (Likely preferred because of the cute little bottle cozy.) All the while everyone else is plowing snow, or cutting grass, or sexing chickens for $10 a week just so they can buy a goddamn bottle of Windsor. I'm not bitter. Average score: 5.6.

Corby's - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof. $6.17/L.
Corby's is a subsidiary of Pernod Ricard, a global company that is like the number two producer of spirits in the world. They've gotten more dudes drunk than all the horny, fat bar chicks combined. So one has to wonder with other products like Malibu, Kahlua, and even Jameson, why the hell would they put out a bottom shelf whiskey like Corby's? I have a theory, I think that the brew master has a retarded step son that had to be part of the business for insurance or stock holder reasons, something like that. It was his idea to take the tailings from the other processes and put out Corby's. Come on, Corby's - Corky, they even named it after him! See the connection? Average score: 6.0.

Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Brand - Tennessee, sour mash, whiskey. 80 proof. $26.65/L.
Jack Daniel’s came under intense criticizm in 2004 when they reduced their alcohol content from 86 to 80 proof (which is the max in some parts of the US). Makes me wonder if all of those people getting shit-faced could taste the 3% difference in alcohol. The distillery has fallen back in with the popular crowd again however. They now have expanded their product line to include hard lemonades and ice teas, Nascar memorabilia, barbecue sauce, and feminine hygiene products. Average score: 6.4.

The Glenlivet - Single malt Scotch Whisky.
Not just any Glenlivet, The Glenlivet. They say that George Smith new that Glenlivet was the perfect location in which to make whisky, thats why the distillery was built there in 1824. If that Scotsman is anything like me and my Scottish relatives, it was probably just the last place the sonofabitch passed out. Average score: 6.4.

Old Thompson - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof.
I can only assume that this whiskey was named after the senile woodsman who distilled the first bottles of this spirit. "Yeah, that Old Thompson is a crazy bastard and he comes down from the woods to fuck my cattle now and again. But that loopy fucker can make whiskey!" Average score: 6.4.

Canadian Club - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $15.39/L.
The highest score goes to Canadian Club. Al Capone smuggled thousands of gallons of this stuff from Canada to Detroit during prohibiition. If its good enough for a guinea, bootlegging, gangster, who died from syphilis, its good enough for me. My roommate says that to order this in Japan, you have to ask for "Canadian Crub." Average score: 9.0.

The E-Mail That Started it All

I mentioned in my first rant that I started this blog after suggestions from people that had read one of my email rants. I had a request to post that email. Since it takes little more than copying and pasting, ergo no new material from me, I thought what the hell.

Its one of those great little forwards that we always get. They wish you luck and happiness but always want you to do something like continue the chain, donate money, or free the prince of Botswana from his exile for cash and prizes. More often than not, they also contain little animations like smiley faces that make me want to shoot my computer.

Here is the original forward I received, slightly edited to remove all the GD dancing leprechauns.

IT WORKS

Hope the Leprechaun dances his jig for you!I had to forward this, my mom swears it works. The day after she sent it, they got an offer on their land on the Swannee river, they have'nt even seen that land since 1987. It came out of the blue. So you know that I'm going to try it.
Love Kim

Not sure if this had anything to do with it but it was shortly after I sent this out - I got a call to say our bond was approved - against all odds.

I don't know if it works but i won a new fridge full of various cool drinks from Beyer And Beyer last week.

I do not know if it works, but I won a microwave yesterday Seems like it Hey !!

Good luck to everyone! And may all your dreams come true!!
--- This may sound nuts, but my husband got this the other day and sent it off. About 10 minutes later a really good financial windfall happened for his son Sean who he had sent it too as well. One of the people he sent it to was responsible for the windfall.

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH
Good Luck!!
I hope it works...
OK, this is what you have to do…
Send this to all of your friends!
But – you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from when you open it!
Now………….Make A wish!!!!!!!!

I hope you made your wish! Now then, if you send to:
1 person --- your wish will be granted in 1 year
3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months
6 people --- 1 month
7 people --- 2 weeks
8 people --- 1 week
9 people --- 5 days
10 people --- 3 days
12 ! people - -- 2 days
15 people --- 1 day
20 people --- 3 hours

If you delete this after you read it . you will have 1 year of bad luck! But .. if you send it 2 of your friends you will automatically have 3 years of good luck!!! :-)

Here is my response:

Holy Crap it worked! I sent this email on to some of my friends at the free clinic and some of the orphans that I volunteer my time with and it worked! It was like a friggen Coors Light commercial, you know like how everyone is sitting around and the big Silver Bullet train shoots through and everyone gets hammered. Except rather than a Silver Bullet train, I was sitting at my cubicle and a rusty El Camino broke through the wall! And rather than bikini models there were three dwarves dressed in green that reeked of Jameson Whiskey. Instead of throwing cans of Coors, two of them relieved themselves in my trash can while the third vomited on my key board. Talk about an Irish jig! Yesiree the good luck is coming my way.

God have mercy on anyone who deleted that forward. I heard that my brother's cousin's friend's husband's ear nose and throat specialist deleted one just like this and he was immediately mauled by a 600 pound black bear right in his office. I won't tell you what happened to his wife and children suffice to say that it involved a fire hose, a box of cheetos, and a snorkel.

It works!