The Whiskey Tasting

My wife and I recently hosted a whiskey tasting. Fortunately for us, we have a lot of floor space. After over a dozen shots of hard liquor none of us judges felt like doing a whole lot of moving around. Anyway here are the results with a brief description of each whiskey. Scoring is based on a ten point scale with ten being the highest.

Jameson - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $31.32/L.
Jameson Irish Whiskey is somewhat of a misnomer; the company was founded by a Scotsman in the mid 1700's. Jameson is distilled in the city of Cork, not to be confused with the nearby city of Bunghole Cover. Although this top shelf blend was the second most expensive whiskey tested, it got the lowest rating. Average score: 3.2.

Windsor Canadian - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $11.49/L.
Ah yes Windsor. For some reason I got it into my head when I was in college that Windsor was the cheapest whiskey I could get, so I drank it for like two years. Then I found out that Windsor is like a middle shelf whiskey and my eyes were opened to the world of Old Crow. My liver has never been the same since. I could get like two 1.75's for the price of one liter of Windsor. I think the misconception in price may have been due to the crooked roommate that would buy me liquor at a 200% mark up, so I guess that the more expensive booze I got the more he made. Sometimes when I didn't have enough money he would make me do things... Average score: 3.3.

Jim Beam - Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. 80 proof.
The number one selling alcohol product in the world. That must mean it’s good...or not. Jim Beam's mash meets the requirements for being called "bourbon" in that it is over 51% corn. This must be why I shit after drinking Jim Beam like after I eat corn on the cob. Average score: 3.4.

Bushmills - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $28.65/L.
Bushmills is the oldest licensed whiskey distillery in the world. Every bottle is still capped by the gums of the elder Bushmill women. During prohibition, Bushmill's director, Wilson Boyd, predicted that the outlaw of alcohol would not last and had stores of whiskey ready for export. While that chance taken paid off, the stock piling of over 4000 cases of canned meat turned out to be a bust. Boyd said that it was stored in preparation for the inevitable genocidal invasion of Great Britain by the Dutch. Average score: 4.2.

Old Crow - Kentucky bourbon whiskey. 80 proof. $9.14/L.
This could be that alley juice that I warned you about. Old Crow is known for being the first whiskey produced by the sour mash process, which is the way that all bourbons are made today. It was named after Dr. James Crow, the Scottish chemist that invented the sour mash process. As we all know, "If it’s not Scottish, its crap!" Average score: 4.6.

Canadian Hunter - Blended Canadian Sipping Whisky. 80 proof. $7.99/L.
How can you not love a whiskey with the name "Canadian Hunter?" It just makes me want to get sloppy, pee myself drunk and go fight wild animals with my bare hands. I've been drinking this stuff since I was breast feeding. Actually it was while I was breast feeding, mom had a problem. Average score: 5.6.

Crown Royal - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $33.32/L.
Long known as the choice whisky of pretentious frat boys who have their parent's money to buy booze with. (Likely preferred because of the cute little bottle cozy.) All the while everyone else is plowing snow, or cutting grass, or sexing chickens for $10 a week just so they can buy a goddamn bottle of Windsor. I'm not bitter. Average score: 5.6.

Corby's - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof. $6.17/L.
Corby's is a subsidiary of Pernod Ricard, a global company that is like the number two producer of spirits in the world. They've gotten more dudes drunk than all the horny, fat bar chicks combined. So one has to wonder with other products like Malibu, Kahlua, and even Jameson, why the hell would they put out a bottom shelf whiskey like Corby's? I have a theory, I think that the brew master has a retarded step son that had to be part of the business for insurance or stock holder reasons, something like that. It was his idea to take the tailings from the other processes and put out Corby's. Come on, Corby's - Corky, they even named it after him! See the connection? Average score: 6.0.

Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Brand - Tennessee, sour mash, whiskey. 80 proof. $26.65/L.
Jack Daniel’s came under intense criticizm in 2004 when they reduced their alcohol content from 86 to 80 proof (which is the max in some parts of the US). Makes me wonder if all of those people getting shit-faced could taste the 3% difference in alcohol. The distillery has fallen back in with the popular crowd again however. They now have expanded their product line to include hard lemonades and ice teas, Nascar memorabilia, barbecue sauce, and feminine hygiene products. Average score: 6.4.

The Glenlivet - Single malt Scotch Whisky.
Not just any Glenlivet, The Glenlivet. They say that George Smith new that Glenlivet was the perfect location in which to make whisky, thats why the distillery was built there in 1824. If that Scotsman is anything like me and my Scottish relatives, it was probably just the last place the sonofabitch passed out. Average score: 6.4.

Old Thompson - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof.
I can only assume that this whiskey was named after the senile woodsman who distilled the first bottles of this spirit. "Yeah, that Old Thompson is a crazy bastard and he comes down from the woods to fuck my cattle now and again. But that loopy fucker can make whiskey!" Average score: 6.4.

Canadian Club - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $15.39/L.
The highest score goes to Canadian Club. Al Capone smuggled thousands of gallons of this stuff from Canada to Detroit during prohibiition. If its good enough for a guinea, bootlegging, gangster, who died from syphilis, its good enough for me. My roommate says that to order this in Japan, you have to ask for "Canadian Crub." Average score: 9.0.