Drunken Thoughts

From the whiskey tasting post you might surmise that I am somewhat of a drinker. This past weekend a few friends and I decided that after watching a roller derby we should head out to State Street and beat down our livers as if they were red-headed step children. Before going any further I have to clarify two things: One, this was my first roller derby and I am not ashamed to say that I am hooked. Its like a chick fight on wheels, its as American as Jerry Springer and trailer parks. I highly recommend that you take in a derby, information on the Madison league can be found here: http://www.madrollindolls.com/. Two, if you're not familiar with Madison, State Street is like Madison's answer to Europe's Ireland. There are a dozen or two bars within walking distance of each other with pizza, gyro, and sub shops sprinkled in between so that one can have some substance when one vomits.

Anyway, I've always thought that there were two good ways to get thinking done. The number one way is to take a healthy dump. Now I'm not talking about some rabbit turd smattering of dooky that sounds like marbles falling into water. I'm talking about a healthy cargo drop where you might even finish a few pages of a good book between the time brown Elvis's head makes his first appearance and then finally exits the building. If your legs don't fall asleep while you're sitting on the toilet, it does not count as a good thinking shit. Many is the time that great ideas came to me on a toilet, such as the initial drafts of the Child Leash Law and bacon scented candles.

The second good way to think is to drink. The world will never be more clear to you than when you are drunk. Unfortunately, the more clear things are to you, the more the people around you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. One should not seek enlightenment so much that one ends up in the Valhalla of the thinking man, which some call detox. I am no stranger to the "liquid thinking serum" and bare the scars of my endeavors. Who among you readers has not woken up naked in an alley missing one or several key organs? So this experience has taught me that I should write my thoughts down when I'm drunk, which I did this weekend. Below are a few of the conversation items that we had. I removed most references to "penis" although it did take up a majority of my drunken notes. Apparently I think that "penis" is very hilarious or profound when I've been drinking.

Is it poor taste when a homeless person asks you, "Do you have a dollar?" to reply "Yes, thank you for your concern."

Do you think Jesus had a sense of humor? Like when he rose from the dead, do you think he would have walked around screaming for brains and then when people were cowering at his feet he would say "Just kidding-not a zombie, I'm the son of God."

There is a sandwich shop down town called "Silver Mine Subs." My friend pondered the question, could you get your money back if you complain that their subs don't taste like a miner?

If you get stopped while riding your bike after you've been drinking, would the cop think it was funny if you said, "Thank god you're here officer. I can not find the end of the bike-a-thon!"

And the final profound thought, or really an observation, of the night was about bathroom attendants. Those are the people that hang out in bathrooms and hand you towels and sell you toiletries and gum and what not. I wouldn't say that I am someone who gets out much so the first time I heard about one of these guys I wanted to check him out. It turns out the line for the bathroom was really long so I figured, hey, this guy must be selling some pretty amazing gum. Anyway, by the time I got into the bathroom I was kind of inebriated because I had finished a bucket of Long Island Ice Tea while standing in line. I guess I kind of pissed the guy off because I kept waving my hands in front of his face trying to get a new towel to come out. He should just be happy I didn't keep hitting him in the face trying to get him to blow on my hands harder.