USA vs. Scotland II

It appears that I may need to add a little snippet to my last post. I don't know how it happened, but I forgot to mention one of the coolest things about Scotland-their kick ass road signs. They must have an entire division of their government devoted to making signs that make people laugh their ass off.

Case in point: this is a sign that we saw near the small fishing village of Mallaig. Not being natives we could only assume that this sign means "Beware of Pedophiles." However, without any additional reference point to the two figures in the sign, perhaps we are jumping to conclusions. Maybe the sign means "Beware of freakishly large children holding hands with their normal size parents." Given the choice between the two, I'd say that the first is probably accurate. Every place has to be proud of something. Wisconsin has its dairy industry and serial killers; I guess Mallaig is proud of it's child mollesters.

Some sonuvabitch keeps letting his goddamn dog shit in my lawn. For a while there it seemed like every time I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss in my yard, I was finding a new pile of dog biscuits. Maybe I need one of these signs for my property. It says "NO FOULING" and if you lived in Scotland, maybe you'd know what the hell "fouling" is. But luckily, they also provided the picture for illiterate folks and tourists. How cool is a public sign with a dog shitting on it? Its even a Scottie dog! Notice the line isn't through the dog itself, because Scots are cool with the dogs, the line is through the big ol' pile of Polish brownies behind his turd cutter. The sign is also informative; next time you're on Jeopardy and you get asked what Scotland act 2003 Section 1 is you can answer proud to know that its the dog fouling law.

This is a sign telling you to protect your junk. There is obviously some twisted bastard running around kicking everyone in the jewels, even women in dresses and dudes in wheel chairs.

These signs make Scotland seem like a pretty shitty place, what with the pedophiles, dog poop, and crotch kickers and all. It gets worse, apparently they have signs there that warn of geriatric pick pockets. I guess you're just walking along with your cane and bam! You get your ass grabbed by an old woman. Shameless.

So getting back to the competition, has Scotland managed to tie up the score? Nay, the scoring committee has deemed the kick ass signs as half a point.

USA holds the lead 3 to 2.5. USA! USA! USA!

USA vs. Scotland

The economy is in the crapper and the rest of the world hates us so why the hell are people risking their lives to illegally live here? For that matter, the rest of the world that hates us seems to want to be just like us. WTF?

What makes us so different than other countries? The wife and I just got back from a trip to Scotland so I thought that I would do a highly scientific study comparing the two countries. So here goes:

Shitters: In the pre 1950s, the American toilet used more than seven gallons of water per flush. By 1980, it was 3.5 gallons and now new toilets use 1.6 gallons or less by law. Yet after all of this porcelain regulation, its not often that I have any difficulty dropping off the kids at the pool and taking care of it with one flush. Sure every once in a while there's a few "dookie mavericks" that like to stick around but generally the job gets done. Now the Scottish loo on the other hand, is like crapping into a funnel. At first its just like making a deposit at your normal bank but then getting rid of it is like trying to push a cat through a straw. I could see such wimpy toilets in France, but Scotland? Scotland is the home of haggis and one of the highest morbidity rates in the world, how can they get rid of their dung with such worthless toilets? We may never know.
Advantage: USA

Paper Towels and Air Dryers: Thats two topics in a row involving the bathroom, must be some sort of fecal fixation. Just about every public bathroom that I used in Scotland had air dryers as apposed to paper towels. Putting aside the argument as to which saves more energy, air dryers are a GD pain in the ass. I don't care who you are, you likely have better things to do than stand for two minutes drying your hands in the breeze. Not to mention, how many germs are spread by people that see an air dryer and say "fuck that" and don't wash their hands at all? In the US there are still a few places you can grab a paper towel and scour off the crotch coutees from your hands.
Advantage: USA

Coffee: Now mind you, I am certainly not a coffee connoisseur, and the only reason I drink it is because I got hooked on it in college. Call it my only vice along with alcohol, amphetamines, hookers, and pornography. I'm the guy that drinks the last of the really old pot thats been sitting for four hours just to make a new one for those that have been holding out. But I know shitty coffee when I taste it. I went out west (Wyoming, Washington, Idaho, Oregon) and the coffee was awesome but other than that, the states seem to be hit or miss with their coffee. Sometimes it seems like the coffee has been strained through three feminine pads and tastes like mildy dirty water. Scotland, now their coffee is more like pureed coffee beens with a spritz of water. Heaven for someone who likes their coffee to burn a hole through their stomach.
Advantage: Scotland.

Scenery: The US has some pretty kick ass scenery, some of which I probably haven't even seen yet, but holy Christ on a cracker you gotta see Scotland. Its like an orgasm for the eyes. Granted Scotland is less than half the size of Wisconsin but mile for square mile Scotland is amazing. You can drive from the medievil cities in the lowlands, to what looks like a rain forest in the midlands, to the picturesque hills and rivers of the highlands, to the cliffs and waterfalls of the coast all in one day. Not to mention, there's friggen sheep everywhere! How cool is that?
Advantage: Scotland

Food: Now the British Isles are generally not known for their cuisine, and for good reason. It pretty much sucks. There are horror stories about haggis which is kind of like a sheep sausage including oatmeal, heart, liver, and lungs stuffed into a sheep's stomach. However, I can tell you that haggis is friggen delicious. Its like a sweet meatloaf. Everything else in Scotland was nothing to write home about. Even their bacon is different than ours, more like a really salty cut of ham. And you do not fuck with bacon!
Advantage: USA

So there it is, the highly scientific study has come to a close. USA! USA! USA! While Scotland is amazing and the US has its own messed up quirks; you just can't be unAmerican.

Damn Dirty Hippies: Part I

Most hippies mean well I guess. They're generally concerned with the environment and I suppose just want to smoke a little pot and protest things now and again. I enjoy the environment, I don't have a problem with people that smoke pot (I think it should be legal along with prostitution), and protest is a healthy thing for a democratic society. I have friends that could be considered border-line hippies and I live in the most liberal city in Wisconsin. That doesn't sound like the start to a rant at all...

The problem is that some hippies are stupid and stupidity is contagious. They will argue about things that they tend not to really know the facts about, waste huge amounts of energy doing things that won't change anything, and godammit they stink. Woodstock was supposed to be such a great event? You know what, I bet it smelled fucking awful in that field.

Case in point: Recently, three members of the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) were indicted on charges of damage to government property in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Did they let a bunch of lab animals free that were being mistreated? vandalize an oil refinery? blow up a Humvee dealership? No, they cut down some trees and spray painted some US Forest Service vehicles. First off, one of ELF's goals is to "promote environmental sustainability." They cut down 500 trees!

What the hell is wrong with you people? How do you get caught cutting down trees and tagging a few trucks in friggen Rhinelander anyway? Its a town of 8000 for Chrisakes! You just sit at the police station until the cop goes home for the night and then you go out and break the law. You morons managed to screw up an act of eco-terrorism that is equivalent to something that any kid in high school could plot and get away with.

Oh yeah, here's how they got caught, they spray painted and etched references to ELF into the vehicles that they tagged! Note to ELF, maybe in the next membership manual, you could mention the whole not incriminating one's self when committing a crime. You might as well ejaculate into a sample bag and leave it at the crime scene for the CSI folk.

Lastly, and I saved the best for last, the reason that ELF was targeting this research station was because they believed that the Forest Service was conducting bioengineering experiments on the trees. Turns out that they were using traditional breeding techniques like taking a seed and planting it. It doesn't get much more natural than that. Care to guess what they were researching? They were looking into producing trees that grew faster and healthier to improve their efficiency as an energy source. So they were trying to find ways to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels? Those bastards! That sounds like just the kind of thing that ELF would want to put a stop to.

More to come...

Old People: Still Not Smarter Than Me

Its been a while since the last post as some of you have pointed out. And yes I have received the emails and phone calls and while the heavy breathing phone calls at night are flattering, they have been affecting my sleep schedule. Here's the newest installment.

This is somewhat of a follow up to my "Old People and Snow" posting from a few months ago. As I was reading my monthly Tablets & Capsules magazine (April 2008 page 10 for those of you who want to check your copy) I came across an article on old people. The article stated that the FDA has received at least 73 complaints of adverse reactions related to the use of denture cleanser tablets. Some of these reactions are due to "...When consumers chew, swallow, or gargle with denture cleansers, which are meant to clean dentures in a container..." They're gargling with friggen bleach people. The article went on to say that the FDA is suggesting that manufacturers add labeling that makes it clear that the tablets are not meant to clean dentures in the mouth.

What the shit? This is part of a bigger problem which isn't necessarily limited to old people. Should we really be protecting stupid people this much? Should we really be putting warning labels on denture cleansers? What about hair dryers that say "Do not use in shower" or wood chippers that say "Do not use hands to remove clogs." I for one think that a little bit of death due to gross incompetence is just what our species needs these days. I know that creationists would disagree with me (but I'll come out and say it, they are nuttier than my crap after a WalMart sale on chunky Skippy) I am all about survival of the fittest or at least go ahead and let the stupid people wean themselves off.

If we remove the moral obligation to preserve life and simply look at things logically, doesn't the responsibility to preserve the species take priority over the life of the small percentage of the population that without labels, would slam scalding hot coffee, take baths with power tools, and pour solution in their eyes to clean their contacts? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should go out and start killing people with low IQ's. Of course not, that would take entirely too long. I'm just saying if they should find themselves looking down the barrel of a gun to see if its loaded, who are we to step in and say "Hey, stupid person! Put down the gun or you could kill yourself and never be able to have half-a-dozen stupid children for me to support with my taxes!"

Drunken Thoughts

From the whiskey tasting post you might surmise that I am somewhat of a drinker. This past weekend a few friends and I decided that after watching a roller derby we should head out to State Street and beat down our livers as if they were red-headed step children. Before going any further I have to clarify two things: One, this was my first roller derby and I am not ashamed to say that I am hooked. Its like a chick fight on wheels, its as American as Jerry Springer and trailer parks. I highly recommend that you take in a derby, information on the Madison league can be found here: http://www.madrollindolls.com/. Two, if you're not familiar with Madison, State Street is like Madison's answer to Europe's Ireland. There are a dozen or two bars within walking distance of each other with pizza, gyro, and sub shops sprinkled in between so that one can have some substance when one vomits.

Anyway, I've always thought that there were two good ways to get thinking done. The number one way is to take a healthy dump. Now I'm not talking about some rabbit turd smattering of dooky that sounds like marbles falling into water. I'm talking about a healthy cargo drop where you might even finish a few pages of a good book between the time brown Elvis's head makes his first appearance and then finally exits the building. If your legs don't fall asleep while you're sitting on the toilet, it does not count as a good thinking shit. Many is the time that great ideas came to me on a toilet, such as the initial drafts of the Child Leash Law and bacon scented candles.

The second good way to think is to drink. The world will never be more clear to you than when you are drunk. Unfortunately, the more clear things are to you, the more the people around you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. One should not seek enlightenment so much that one ends up in the Valhalla of the thinking man, which some call detox. I am no stranger to the "liquid thinking serum" and bare the scars of my endeavors. Who among you readers has not woken up naked in an alley missing one or several key organs? So this experience has taught me that I should write my thoughts down when I'm drunk, which I did this weekend. Below are a few of the conversation items that we had. I removed most references to "penis" although it did take up a majority of my drunken notes. Apparently I think that "penis" is very hilarious or profound when I've been drinking.

Is it poor taste when a homeless person asks you, "Do you have a dollar?" to reply "Yes, thank you for your concern."

Do you think Jesus had a sense of humor? Like when he rose from the dead, do you think he would have walked around screaming for brains and then when people were cowering at his feet he would say "Just kidding-not a zombie, I'm the son of God."

There is a sandwich shop down town called "Silver Mine Subs." My friend pondered the question, could you get your money back if you complain that their subs don't taste like a miner?

If you get stopped while riding your bike after you've been drinking, would the cop think it was funny if you said, "Thank god you're here officer. I can not find the end of the bike-a-thon!"

And the final profound thought, or really an observation, of the night was about bathroom attendants. Those are the people that hang out in bathrooms and hand you towels and sell you toiletries and gum and what not. I wouldn't say that I am someone who gets out much so the first time I heard about one of these guys I wanted to check him out. It turns out the line for the bathroom was really long so I figured, hey, this guy must be selling some pretty amazing gum. Anyway, by the time I got into the bathroom I was kind of inebriated because I had finished a bucket of Long Island Ice Tea while standing in line. I guess I kind of pissed the guy off because I kept waving my hands in front of his face trying to get a new towel to come out. He should just be happy I didn't keep hitting him in the face trying to get him to blow on my hands harder.

The Whiskey Tasting

My wife and I recently hosted a whiskey tasting. Fortunately for us, we have a lot of floor space. After over a dozen shots of hard liquor none of us judges felt like doing a whole lot of moving around. Anyway here are the results with a brief description of each whiskey. Scoring is based on a ten point scale with ten being the highest.

Jameson - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $31.32/L.
Jameson Irish Whiskey is somewhat of a misnomer; the company was founded by a Scotsman in the mid 1700's. Jameson is distilled in the city of Cork, not to be confused with the nearby city of Bunghole Cover. Although this top shelf blend was the second most expensive whiskey tested, it got the lowest rating. Average score: 3.2.

Windsor Canadian - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $11.49/L.
Ah yes Windsor. For some reason I got it into my head when I was in college that Windsor was the cheapest whiskey I could get, so I drank it for like two years. Then I found out that Windsor is like a middle shelf whiskey and my eyes were opened to the world of Old Crow. My liver has never been the same since. I could get like two 1.75's for the price of one liter of Windsor. I think the misconception in price may have been due to the crooked roommate that would buy me liquor at a 200% mark up, so I guess that the more expensive booze I got the more he made. Sometimes when I didn't have enough money he would make me do things... Average score: 3.3.

Jim Beam - Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. 80 proof.
The number one selling alcohol product in the world. That must mean it’s good...or not. Jim Beam's mash meets the requirements for being called "bourbon" in that it is over 51% corn. This must be why I shit after drinking Jim Beam like after I eat corn on the cob. Average score: 3.4.

Bushmills - Blended, triple distilled, Irish whiskey. 80 proof. $28.65/L.
Bushmills is the oldest licensed whiskey distillery in the world. Every bottle is still capped by the gums of the elder Bushmill women. During prohibition, Bushmill's director, Wilson Boyd, predicted that the outlaw of alcohol would not last and had stores of whiskey ready for export. While that chance taken paid off, the stock piling of over 4000 cases of canned meat turned out to be a bust. Boyd said that it was stored in preparation for the inevitable genocidal invasion of Great Britain by the Dutch. Average score: 4.2.

Old Crow - Kentucky bourbon whiskey. 80 proof. $9.14/L.
This could be that alley juice that I warned you about. Old Crow is known for being the first whiskey produced by the sour mash process, which is the way that all bourbons are made today. It was named after Dr. James Crow, the Scottish chemist that invented the sour mash process. As we all know, "If it’s not Scottish, its crap!" Average score: 4.6.

Canadian Hunter - Blended Canadian Sipping Whisky. 80 proof. $7.99/L.
How can you not love a whiskey with the name "Canadian Hunter?" It just makes me want to get sloppy, pee myself drunk and go fight wild animals with my bare hands. I've been drinking this stuff since I was breast feeding. Actually it was while I was breast feeding, mom had a problem. Average score: 5.6.

Crown Royal - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $33.32/L.
Long known as the choice whisky of pretentious frat boys who have their parent's money to buy booze with. (Likely preferred because of the cute little bottle cozy.) All the while everyone else is plowing snow, or cutting grass, or sexing chickens for $10 a week just so they can buy a goddamn bottle of Windsor. I'm not bitter. Average score: 5.6.

Corby's - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof. $6.17/L.
Corby's is a subsidiary of Pernod Ricard, a global company that is like the number two producer of spirits in the world. They've gotten more dudes drunk than all the horny, fat bar chicks combined. So one has to wonder with other products like Malibu, Kahlua, and even Jameson, why the hell would they put out a bottom shelf whiskey like Corby's? I have a theory, I think that the brew master has a retarded step son that had to be part of the business for insurance or stock holder reasons, something like that. It was his idea to take the tailings from the other processes and put out Corby's. Come on, Corby's - Corky, they even named it after him! See the connection? Average score: 6.0.

Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Brand - Tennessee, sour mash, whiskey. 80 proof. $26.65/L.
Jack Daniel’s came under intense criticizm in 2004 when they reduced their alcohol content from 86 to 80 proof (which is the max in some parts of the US). Makes me wonder if all of those people getting shit-faced could taste the 3% difference in alcohol. The distillery has fallen back in with the popular crowd again however. They now have expanded their product line to include hard lemonades and ice teas, Nascar memorabilia, barbecue sauce, and feminine hygiene products. Average score: 6.4.

The Glenlivet - Single malt Scotch Whisky.
Not just any Glenlivet, The Glenlivet. They say that George Smith new that Glenlivet was the perfect location in which to make whisky, thats why the distillery was built there in 1824. If that Scotsman is anything like me and my Scottish relatives, it was probably just the last place the sonofabitch passed out. Average score: 6.4.

Old Thompson - Blended American whiskey. 80 proof.
I can only assume that this whiskey was named after the senile woodsman who distilled the first bottles of this spirit. "Yeah, that Old Thompson is a crazy bastard and he comes down from the woods to fuck my cattle now and again. But that loopy fucker can make whiskey!" Average score: 6.4.

Canadian Club - Blended Canadian Whisky. 80 proof. $15.39/L.
The highest score goes to Canadian Club. Al Capone smuggled thousands of gallons of this stuff from Canada to Detroit during prohibiition. If its good enough for a guinea, bootlegging, gangster, who died from syphilis, its good enough for me. My roommate says that to order this in Japan, you have to ask for "Canadian Crub." Average score: 9.0.

The E-Mail That Started it All

I mentioned in my first rant that I started this blog after suggestions from people that had read one of my email rants. I had a request to post that email. Since it takes little more than copying and pasting, ergo no new material from me, I thought what the hell.

Its one of those great little forwards that we always get. They wish you luck and happiness but always want you to do something like continue the chain, donate money, or free the prince of Botswana from his exile for cash and prizes. More often than not, they also contain little animations like smiley faces that make me want to shoot my computer.

Here is the original forward I received, slightly edited to remove all the GD dancing leprechauns.

IT WORKS

Hope the Leprechaun dances his jig for you!I had to forward this, my mom swears it works. The day after she sent it, they got an offer on their land on the Swannee river, they have'nt even seen that land since 1987. It came out of the blue. So you know that I'm going to try it.
Love Kim

Not sure if this had anything to do with it but it was shortly after I sent this out - I got a call to say our bond was approved - against all odds.

I don't know if it works but i won a new fridge full of various cool drinks from Beyer And Beyer last week.

I do not know if it works, but I won a microwave yesterday Seems like it Hey !!

Good luck to everyone! And may all your dreams come true!!
--- This may sound nuts, but my husband got this the other day and sent it off. About 10 minutes later a really good financial windfall happened for his son Sean who he had sent it too as well. One of the people he sent it to was responsible for the windfall.

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH
Good Luck!!
I hope it works...
OK, this is what you have to do…
Send this to all of your friends!
But – you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from when you open it!
Now………….Make A wish!!!!!!!!

I hope you made your wish! Now then, if you send to:
1 person --- your wish will be granted in 1 year
3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months
6 people --- 1 month
7 people --- 2 weeks
8 people --- 1 week
9 people --- 5 days
10 people --- 3 days
12 ! people - -- 2 days
15 people --- 1 day
20 people --- 3 hours

If you delete this after you read it . you will have 1 year of bad luck! But .. if you send it 2 of your friends you will automatically have 3 years of good luck!!! :-)

Here is my response:

Holy Crap it worked! I sent this email on to some of my friends at the free clinic and some of the orphans that I volunteer my time with and it worked! It was like a friggen Coors Light commercial, you know like how everyone is sitting around and the big Silver Bullet train shoots through and everyone gets hammered. Except rather than a Silver Bullet train, I was sitting at my cubicle and a rusty El Camino broke through the wall! And rather than bikini models there were three dwarves dressed in green that reeked of Jameson Whiskey. Instead of throwing cans of Coors, two of them relieved themselves in my trash can while the third vomited on my key board. Talk about an Irish jig! Yesiree the good luck is coming my way.

God have mercy on anyone who deleted that forward. I heard that my brother's cousin's friend's husband's ear nose and throat specialist deleted one just like this and he was immediately mauled by a 600 pound black bear right in his office. I won't tell you what happened to his wife and children suffice to say that it involved a fire hose, a box of cheetos, and a snorkel.

It works!

Old People and Snow

I don't trust old people. It seems to me they're always lying about something or other, like stealing things from Walgreen's, the Holocaust, or breaking a hip. The other day I heard one of the blue hairs say "We always used to get this kind of snow when I was younger." That got me thinking, it is currently the middle of February and we have already had the most snowfall (around 80 inches) in Madison since they began keeping precipitation records over one hundred years ago. We have had so much snow that the National Weather Service has abandoned terms like "flurries" and "heavy snow" and they are now forecasting an "ass load" of snow for Sunday. If things get any worse they'll have to break out the little used "shit-ton-of-snow" term. I can just see the news casts now:

• Perky News Anchor: "...It took doctors three hours to remove the fence post and family members say that the family dog will never be the same. Now to Dave for the weather.

• The Weather Guy: "Thanks Katie, I bet thats the last time he'll go jogging with his guide dog!" (Katie laughs uncomfortably) "Well folks don't put away those shovels yet it looks like we've got more snow on the way."

• Perky News Anchor: "How much are we looking at Dave?"

• The Weather Guy: Pauses, gulps. "Er, well I'm afraid its going to be a lot."

• Perky News Anchor: "Come on now Dave we're not talking about an 'ass load' are we?"

• The Weather Guy: "Oh no Katie, I'm afraid its much worse than that...we're forecasting a shit-ton-of-snow."

• Perky News Anchor: Faints while onlookers throw feces in the general direction of the weather man.

• The Weather Guy: Curses the producer for having him do the weather in front of a live audience.

Anyway, I digress. I checked out the statewide average snowfall for Wisconsin from the State Climatology Office. I found this shitty graph that looks like a seismograph from a fat guy's house:

According to the graph, the average Wisconsin snowfall from 1891 to 2005 was 30.1 inches. If you were really anal you could go through and precisely measure on said shitty graph just how much snow we got every year during those 115 years. Yes I did it. What I found was that there was just one decade prior to 1960 that had above average snow fall. Thats right kids, gather 'round and I'll tell you about the horrible winter blizzards we had from 1930 to '39 when we were a whole 0.3 inches above the century long average. What a pile of donkey shit! Guess how many decades since 1960 have been above average? Every single one!

This may have been a long trip to get there but my point is this: the next time some geriatric prune or silver fox being held up by a walker tries to tell you about the horrible winters and how much snow that they used to have, you can say "Dammit old man, back in your day snowfall averaged about 28 inches, nowadays its over 33. You just got served!"

While he's trying to figure out what the hell you just said, tell him to pull down his goddamn pants from under his nipples.

He was quiet and kept to himself...

After reading one of my demented emails last week, a number of friends mentioned that I should do some regular writing like a newsletter or manifesto. This made me think two things. One, my friends smoke entirely too much crack. Two, that might not be such a bad idea. After all, my therapist was saying that sharing my thoughts might just help to silence the voices in my head. So having said that, you people know who you are and you are to blame: I have decided to start a web log, or as the kids call it, a blog.

You may be wondering what the title is referring to, "He was quiet and kept to himself." It's the description that some might use to describe me. Oddly enough its also the description most often used by neighbors to describe the guy that just went postal in a day care with an automatic rifle or the guy that keeps the sodomized bodies of hitchhikers next to his ice cream in a chest freezer in his basement. Not that I'm anything like that but I'm just saying, here's a look into my thoughts.

There is a chance that you'll find something that I have written is profound or that you agree with one of my points. If that is the case there is probably something wrong with you. Regardless, you can rest assured that most things that I post are half stolen, half plagiarized, and the other half I have probably taken without permission.

More often you will likely be insulted, grossed out, and feel slightly dirty after reading a post. If that is the case, please feel free to stop reading and ask me to take you off of my mailing list. Of course you'll need a sense of humor, no need to leave nasty comments, I'm sensitive. I think Hitler said it best, "Words never hurt anybody."